Selflessness

^Here's a pic of me being selfless my holding a baby. Boom.

I'm a thinker. And I don't mean that as a compliment to myself. I mean that my brain is like a non-stop hamster wheel, constantly in fast motion. My brain is especially active late at night, when I'm trying to go to bed. (It's also especially inactive when I get up for seminary but thats irrelevant..) If you've noticed the bags I have under my eyes this week, I'm going to give you an explanation. 

I've come to the realization that I am a very selfish person.

I am not throwing a pity party, but rather pointing out room for improvement. Selfishness has always been a hard line for me to toe. It is hard to find the perfect balance between proper self care and self absorption. 

I try to help my fellow humans when I see they are in need, but in general my thoughts revolve around me, myself and I. I lie awake in bed counting the things that are wrong with me. Or the things that I don't like about my life.  I fantasize about my future life, my future love, and my future successes. I spend so much time worrying about it. Most nights, I go to bed unhappy and unsettled from thinking about myself. And when I say unhappy, I mean like in tears, curled up in a ball unhappy. 

But I have been trying something different. This new year, I decided to devote more of my time to study the gospel (a resolution I make nearly every year). My family reads the D&C chapters together for seminary. I also made it my personal goal to read the Book of Mormon every night, as well as one conference talk a night. Each night is a hit or miss. I have to deal with the fatigue of school schedule, musical rehearsals, and complications of an autoimmune disease. Sometimes I am just too tired to read. But I'm never too tired to think about myself before I go to sleep.

So when I'm lying awake thinking about myself, I turn my lamp back on and get my scriptures out. The scriptures help to take my mind off myself. And you know what? I go to bed happy. I go to bed peaceful. I might still think about myself, but they are hopeful thoughts of the temple, a mission, service, etc. And then when I wake up, I find it easier to talk to people I wouldn't normally talk to, or notice more people who are in need of service. I am more involved in helping others and doing good things with my time, and it makes me a lot happier. Isn't it weird how selflessness makes you feel better about yourself? This nightly routine of study also makes me happier throughout the day. I was noticing increased happiness this last week especially. There was one day where things just weren't going right. I received a string of comments from some friends that weren't the nicest. Normally, I would've taken those comments poorly, and isolated myself for the rest of the day. But that day, I brushed them off and kept smiling and participating in the conversation. I didn't let a little thing ruin my whole day. The connection between my happiness and my nightly studies is undeniable. When I spend less time thinking about myself, I am happier.
But I still slip up. And I am still an incredibly selfish person. But at least I'm working on it!
I challenge all of you to spend a little less time thinking about yourself, and a little more time helping others. Set aside time to read the scriptures and conference talks. It really will give you insight on living a happier life. Please accept this hypocritical challenge from a completely selfish person. Peace and Bahlessings.

Is the term "Conservative Feminist" an oxymoron?

If you were to ask me my political views, I would unashamedly declare myself a conservative. If you were to ask me if I was a feminist, I would also unashamedly answer yes. Many people do not understand how these two terms can go together. And quite frankly, I can't blame them. It is unfortunate that the modern feminist movement has been hijacked by liberals who support abortion and government-supplemented birth control. It is unfortunate that many of my friends believe feminists are promoting female superiority, rather than gender equality. 
Merriam-Webster defined feminism as "the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities". Now tell me, does any of that sound bad to you? Unless you're somehow from the 1800's, my guess is that you answered no. So why does the term feminism now come with such a stigma? Why can't I call myself a feminist without getting bad looks? 
The unfortunate truth is that the faces of modern feminism are representing all the wrong things. We have people such as Lena Dunham and Hilary Clinton who are leading today's feminists. I absolutely hate that. When I call myself a feminist, I hate to think that someone associates me with these women. 
I know several people who think that Lena Dunham is an inspiring woman that we should all idolize. WHY?? Her claim to feminism fame is that she was apparently raped after a party. Yes, rape is awful.  But Lena Dunham claims to have been raped whilst she was very drunk and high on substances such as cocaine and adderall. There is a big push in feminism that because a girl isn't able to say no, it still means no. This essentially means that if a girl is drunk or high or passed out or something like that, she should not be sexually abused. This sounds all fine and dandy, but I feel like it is taking all responsibility off of women. If you don't want to be raped, don't drink! Don't do drugs! Yes it's still a horrible thing that guys do that.. but what if the guys were drunk or high as well? If the woman doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions whilst under the influence, why does a man? But the even bigger issue is that Lena Dunham's story has recently been debunked. I think her fake rape story is an insult to real rape victims. 
Don't even get me started on Hillary Clinton. She one of the biggest supporters of Planned Parenthood. I consider this organization to be degrading and insulting to women. I simply don't understand how people can consider abortion as a form of birth control. In my opinion, birth control should be preventative. But that is for a different day.
Because these women are the faces of modern feminism, I have many conservative friends who think feminism is bad, or unnecessary. A frequent thing I hear women say is that "feminism was necessary in the 20's so that women could gain the right to vote, but it's just not necessary anymore" or "I've never experienced any oppression or sexism in my  lifetime." So... because you've never experienced something personally, this means it doesn't exist? In the U.S. alone, there are still women fighting to get equal pay. There are women being sexually harassed in the work place and women being raped. There are women experiencing domestic violence and household abuse who stand powerless. Outside the U.S., there are countries like Saudi Arabia where women are legally segregated from men in public. Our country wasn't okay with racial segregation in the 60's, so why are we okay with gender segregation elsewhere? There are countries like Egypt where fathers and brothers of certain Muslim groups can perform 'honor killings' on women and not even be arrested or tried. And you're going to try and tell me the world doesn't need feminism? 
Unacceptable. 
Here is my proposal- We get back to the true meaning of feminism. We don't tolerate unequal treatment of women, but we also don't bash on men whilst doing so. 
We need to recognize and support true and worthy feminists such as Raheel Raza, Fahima Hashim, and the many other wonderful people who are working so hard to create an equal world. 
We also need to support all kinds of women. I feel as if modern feminists only support the ideal 'modern woman' who doesn't need a man to be happy. You know the sort, the woman who doesn't want to get married or have kids because she is independent. Sure, we can support those women, but can't we also support the stay at home mom who lets her husband work for the family? The woman who actually cooks and cleans a house not because she has to, but because she wants to? I propose that we stop bashing so many people in the name of Feminism. 
Help me promote equality around the world. Help me call myself a feminist without shame or guilt. Help me to help the women who are suffering around the world. Don't be afraid to call yourself a feminist. 

Please let me know your opinions on this topic!

If you are interested in the subject, I recommend watching the movie The Honor Diaries. It shows the oppression of women in certain Muslim countries. 

New year, new me??

Ha. I hate that saying. If you want to change, just do it. Don't put it off til the new year. 

But that's beside the point.

Looking back, 2014 was an insane year. It was a year that made me feel more alive than I ever had before. You know that old "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" quote?? That was my 2014. The highs were so dang high, but the lows were equally low. I learned so much about myself and the world around me. I thought it might be nice to share some of the lessons I learned in the past year.

-There is no reason to be alone. There are people around you that love you and care about you. You have someone who will listen. Don't isolate yourself because of problems or pain. 

-Love will come in unexpected ways, times, and places. I don't necessarily mean romantic love (but that too). I am sometimes a pessimist about things like this. I tend to believe all I have at the time is all I'm ever gonna get. But life chose to teach me a lesson in humility this year and prove me otherwise.

-New friends also show up unexpectedly. Here's a little story: You may have heard of Jordan, one of my best friends ever. But did you know we have only been friends for a few months?? She moved to my town last year. (I think it might have been last year but actually I have no clue...) She was in a different ward than me but I saw her at school and seminary. She was sort of friends with my other best friend Rebecca at the end of last school year. Rebecca always told me that Jordan and I would really hit it off but it just never happened. Then June rolled around and I went on the esteemed UK trip. And who also went? None other than the famous Jordan Waters. There is something about being in a foreign country without your family that makes you bond with people. Jordan and I discovered that we were both in fact insane and hilarious (well we think so). We have been best friends ever since and I can confidently say that we will be friends for our entire lives. 

-It can be hard to save money, but it is so worth it!! I'm what you could call an impulse buyer. I love shopping, and I'm totally that girl that grabs everything next to the register after already placing my large pile to be scanned. This past year, I chose to try and calm this habit and save. It was so worth it!!

-Change is so hard. But you can get through it. And it can make things better than before. 'Nuff said. 

-Friendships or relationships can end, even when you thought they never would. It can be so confusing and difficult to deal with. You have the choice to pity yourself, or you have the choice to grow and improve yourself. I recommend the second option. 

-Stop comparing yourself to others!!! And stop throwing pity parties for yourself because you think other people have it better!! You're just wasting your time ignoring all the wonderful things you do have!!! Took me long enough to figure that out. 

-Don't criticize unless you plan to do something about it. Otherwise you are just complaining. 

-Travel really is good for the mind and soul. (I know this from all the one foreign places I traveled to...) Going to the UK brought me more happiness than I can even express. I learned so much about my ancestral history and I saw so many beautiful things. It also made me extremely grateful that I live in America. But that's for a different time...

-Be nice. Love people. Even when they don't seem to deserve it. You may have picked up on my sharp tongue and sarcastic manner? Let me just tell you, this gets me into trouble. It's hard for me to hold my tongue. But what's the point?? Sure, you get to gloat at your cleverness and gain temporary personal satisfaction. But did it benefit your life? And more importantly, did it benefit the other person's life? No... just be nice. 

-Exercise actually does make you feel better! I know.. it's shocking to believe that the doctors are right. Now, I'm not recommending that you go run a marathon. Let's be honest, only insane people and vegans do that. But being active boosts your energy and happiness! I like to do yoga at least 3 times a week. I notice that when I don't do yoga, I am tired and grumpy the next day. In the words of Elle Woods, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't!" 

-Sometimes the only answer is a good cry. Several times in 2014, I walked down to my mother with tears streaming down my face, unable to express my pain or frustration. She always just told me to cry it out. Cry it out and then soak in a nice, hot bath. This has been scientifically proven (by me) to solve problems.

-Time really does move fast. Live your life accordingly. I know this probably seems silly coming from a 17 year old, but I'm entering the last semester of my senior year in high school. Soon, I'll be starting a whole new chapter in my life. I will be separated from some of my best friends. Try to enjoy the things happening now. Don't sit around waiting for something. I'm guilty of saying, "oh, it'll be so good when I go to college". But sometimes I forget about how good I've got it now! One of my favorite movie characters, Ferris Bueller, summed it up perfectly. " Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." 

I hope you all had a wonderful 2014, and I wish you an even better 2015! (Even though I'm still convinced that it's only 2010 and the government is lying to us..)