Selflessness

^Here's a pic of me being selfless my holding a baby. Boom.

I'm a thinker. And I don't mean that as a compliment to myself. I mean that my brain is like a non-stop hamster wheel, constantly in fast motion. My brain is especially active late at night, when I'm trying to go to bed. (It's also especially inactive when I get up for seminary but thats irrelevant..) If you've noticed the bags I have under my eyes this week, I'm going to give you an explanation. 

I've come to the realization that I am a very selfish person.

I am not throwing a pity party, but rather pointing out room for improvement. Selfishness has always been a hard line for me to toe. It is hard to find the perfect balance between proper self care and self absorption. 

I try to help my fellow humans when I see they are in need, but in general my thoughts revolve around me, myself and I. I lie awake in bed counting the things that are wrong with me. Or the things that I don't like about my life.  I fantasize about my future life, my future love, and my future successes. I spend so much time worrying about it. Most nights, I go to bed unhappy and unsettled from thinking about myself. And when I say unhappy, I mean like in tears, curled up in a ball unhappy. 

But I have been trying something different. This new year, I decided to devote more of my time to study the gospel (a resolution I make nearly every year). My family reads the D&C chapters together for seminary. I also made it my personal goal to read the Book of Mormon every night, as well as one conference talk a night. Each night is a hit or miss. I have to deal with the fatigue of school schedule, musical rehearsals, and complications of an autoimmune disease. Sometimes I am just too tired to read. But I'm never too tired to think about myself before I go to sleep.

So when I'm lying awake thinking about myself, I turn my lamp back on and get my scriptures out. The scriptures help to take my mind off myself. And you know what? I go to bed happy. I go to bed peaceful. I might still think about myself, but they are hopeful thoughts of the temple, a mission, service, etc. And then when I wake up, I find it easier to talk to people I wouldn't normally talk to, or notice more people who are in need of service. I am more involved in helping others and doing good things with my time, and it makes me a lot happier. Isn't it weird how selflessness makes you feel better about yourself? This nightly routine of study also makes me happier throughout the day. I was noticing increased happiness this last week especially. There was one day where things just weren't going right. I received a string of comments from some friends that weren't the nicest. Normally, I would've taken those comments poorly, and isolated myself for the rest of the day. But that day, I brushed them off and kept smiling and participating in the conversation. I didn't let a little thing ruin my whole day. The connection between my happiness and my nightly studies is undeniable. When I spend less time thinking about myself, I am happier.
But I still slip up. And I am still an incredibly selfish person. But at least I'm working on it!
I challenge all of you to spend a little less time thinking about yourself, and a little more time helping others. Set aside time to read the scriptures and conference talks. It really will give you insight on living a happier life. Please accept this hypocritical challenge from a completely selfish person. Peace and Bahlessings.