Opening Up

Hello to the five people who read my blog! :)

Today I am going to do a very difficult thing. I am going to break down my personal walls and open up. I am going to show you the feelings that I keep hidden from the world. I have thought about it a lot, and come to the conclusion that someone, somewhere can benefit from my experiences. 

So if you choose to read on, do me a favor: You know how in some cultures, they make you take your shoes off and leave them outside the house before you enter? I am asking you to do that. I am asking you to leave your judgements and previous ideas or perceptions at the door. Please open your hearts and minds to the subject I am bringing up. I will be writing about it frequently, because I have many things to say on it. If you have negative comments, please keep them to yourself. 

I'm going to talk to you about the D word. 

Not death, or dope, or anything like that.

My D word is Depression. A word that can turn easy-going conversations into awkward moments. A word that seems to stop people in their tracks when spoken. A word that can make someone seem suddenly unreachable, unapproachable, and unknown.
Depression is something I have struggled with for years. This may come as a shock to some of you who know me, seeing as I have been very good at hiding it. Others may have clued in on it but have not spoken up. I hid it from my parents and family for years because I was ashamed of my feelings and afraid of the results and backlash. My parents have only known about it since around May of 2014 (I want to make it clear right now that it was never my parents treatment that made me afraid to speak out. They have been loving and supportive 100% of the time). I felt it was something I had to hide. That is exactly what made me want to speak out about it. I am tired of the stigma that comes with mental health issues. I am tired of feeling like I have to hide something that has been such a big part of my life. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once said that "there should be no more shame in acknowledging [mental health issues] than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of a malignant tumor." When I first heard that, I realized that something had to change. So here I am, taking the first step to change my personal world, and hopefully the world around me.

People made me feel guilty for being depressed. Like I said earlier, it was never my family! But friends and others around me. They told me how blessed and fortunate I was to have a loving family, sound finances, good friends, talents, etc. Nobody could see any logical reason why I was depressed. And quite frankly, I couldn't either. So I guilted myself into a state of self-loathing. I viewed myself as a spoiled brat who was ungrateful and undeserving of anything. But that was obviously not true! I have always been so grateful for my many blessings! But depression is not about gratitude. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain! You can cure some depression with counseling and therapy, but many cases require medication. It is a physical ailment as much as it is a mental one. I think many people do not understand that. 

I read a quote on Facebook today that was extremely relatable: 
“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.” 
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

For too long, I have withstood people's ludicrous suggestions to simply "focus on the positive" or "think about something else" or to "get over it". While those are wonderful suggestions to some teeny bopper girl going through her first breakup, they are completely unhelpful to someone suffering from depression. I cannot express to you what it is like to see that you have every reason to be happy, and yet feel a resounding sadness to your very core. I can't explain to you the feeling of gratitude for all your blessings, along with a feeling of deep unworthiness and self loathing. I can't tell you how terrifying it is to feel so miserable for unseen reasons. To feel like you have no hope, no drive or motivation to live another day. I can't tell you how terrifying it is to realize that the person who doesn't want you to live is the same person you see in the mirror. To realize that the enemy is yourself. I am not asking you to understand depression, because you never fully will if you have not experienced it. I am not asking you to understand it, I am simply asking you all to accept it as a real thing. 

I am not writing this for attention, or to cause people to worry about me. I am in a very good place with my depression right now, so I feel comfortable sharing these things. I am simply writing this to spread awareness and truth about the realness of depression. I want to change how the world views depression. I will write much, much more about the topic soon. But for now, I would love to hear your feedback! 
Thanks for reading. Peace and bahlessings.